Trump slated to attend Vassar to study humanities, art: “I just really love glassblowing”

NEW YORK – Failed Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump received an early acceptance letter today from Vassar College in upstate New York, having applied to its liberal arts program at the tail-end of his failing multi-billion dollar campaign last fall. Trump said public scrutiny of his “gauche taste” and “ignorance of literally everything” convinced him he needed to expand his intellectual repertoire father than his lone talent: determining women’s breast, waist and hip measurements from a single glance.

“I want to be an intellectual,” Trump said. “But I do prefer a 48, 22, 48, if you’re asking.”

Ivanka reported that she believes the true impetus for Trump's decision was a glassblowing class they attended in September, which he “really loved” and “could see himself doing for a living, instead of devouring the souls of innocent people.”

Trump also hopes to study Victorian literature. He says he “identifies” with emotionally impotent male protagonists.