Comey says he's learning "a lot" from Mueller about investigating "actual crimes"
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Former FBI Director James Comey told Lawfare's Benjamin Wittes that he's learning "so much - tons" from Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, including the mind-blowing notion that it's law enforcement's job to investigate "actual crimes."
President Hillary Rodham Clinton charged Mueller with the task of investigating Russian interference in November's election after Comey quit his post in disgrace earlier this year, before he was kicked by a lone pony.
Comey said that before today, he had no idea that law enforcement could conduct an investigation into a prominent American political figure who is not Hillary Clinton.
"Wow! I mean, that was news to me. When I was studying the Constitution at University of Chicago Law School, I learned that Hillary Clinton is the single living human exception to the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th and 14th amendments - which crucially protect the rights of all of the rich white men who have ever accused her of wrongdoing, bitchiness, and corruption. The idea that Mueller would actually investigate men for crimes they've clearly committed - fascinating, original - he's a real trailblazer."
In retrospect, Comey told Wittes, the 4-hour-old idea that he did not have to use his incredible powers as the nation's chief law enforcement officer to persecute Hillary Clinton remains rather revolutionary.
"I mean, my whole career in the FBI, I thought it was my job to courageously ignore the inconvenient truths of Hillary Clinton's innocence and general excellence, and thereby curry favor with the crazy misogynists bent on engineering her political death. Being America's top policeman was an act I theatrically put on for the legislators who appropriate FBI funding, and I knew my lines:
Who was responsible for Sandy Hook?
Who made Bill Clinton cheat?
Who killed Jesus?
Who gave me gonorrhea while I was jacking off to a moving self-portrait of my erect, perfect, righteous male legal penis, entitled Integrity during the Benghazi hearings?
Hillary fucking Clinton!
Wittes interviewed Comey just hours after news outlets reported the bombshell revelation that Mueller had indicted two former Trump campaign officials over the weekend, charging them with money laundering, conspiring against the United States, and lying to federal investigators.
The evidence Mueller supplied supporting the indictments was overwhelming.
"That's a truly novel application of the law," Comey said. "When I was in charge of investigating the Trump campaign's collusion with Russia, it never occurred to me that I could actually look into Trump campaign staffers' crimes, because of the well-known legal principle that Hillary Clinton is guilty no matter what the evidence says. To think that a group of rich white men can be accused of crimes in 2017 - a year in which Clinton persists in her habit of suspiciously emailing people - I mean, it's shocking. Props to Mueller. He's really thinking outside the box," he said.