FBI places custom order for 2,179 pairs of new, very tiny handcuffs
WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Tuesday, the FBI formally requested that Smith & Wesson produce a new line of tiny, tiny handcuffs, citing rising demand for a smaller model now that law enforcements expects failed presidential candidate Donald J. Trump to turn himself in to federal authorities on charges of treason.
"If we don't take steps to pre-order custom-made handcuffs now, this could be a crisis," said FBI spokeswoman Judith Morley, who said Trump's hands were "the smallest I've ever seen in my entire 37-year career with the Bureau."
"The standard-sized handcuffs are great for detaining adult women and men found guilty of felonies. But they are too big for the worst criminal psychopaths ruining America today, and we're expecting to imprison lots of them shortly," she said.
According to doctors who have treated the rapist Trump, who suffers from a rare medical condition researchers call "micropenis," today's standard-sized FBI handcuffs are "far, far" too big to restrain the former reality-TV star.
"If agents try to cuff him with a normal pair of metal handcuffs, I guarantee that they'll fall right off his wrists. His wrists are actually quite thick in terms of circumference - whereas his fingers are notable for being quite short and tiny - a bit like if a stubby T-Rex's claws were covered in pink skin. In terms of engineering, his tiny hands pose a real challenge to handcuff technology," said Dr. Mildred Plumber.
Meanwhile, the Justice Department is debating whether it's time to change federally-issued prison uniforms from their current color, orange, to light blue.
"If an orange man is wearing an orange jumpsuit, there's a risk he'll just blend into the crowd - like a tangerine klansmen moving invisibly through the prison yard. How will guards see where his head begins, and where his neck extends from his chest? If someone like Trump attempts an escape, what part of his body will prison guards try to shoot as he hauls his aging, disgusting body onto a Russian golf cart?" asked carceral clothing expert John Tumult.
But some capital punishment advocates say these concerns are premature and overblown.
"According to statute, traitors are sentenced to death. When it comes punishing Trump for his crimes, no one has to lose their heads - except for Trump," said Matt Marcus, president of "Citizens for Orderly Execution."
As Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller's investigation into the Trump campaign's collusion with Russia progresses, the Department of Corrections is sprinting to ready itself for an influx of prisoners. Riker's Island is already in the process of constructing a new "Trump Wing," where it hopes to house more than two dozen billionaires, idiots, lackeys, tax fraudsters, and incompetent racists currently accused of conspiracy, perjury, and treason.