Russian officials admit that colluding with the "inept" Trump campaign was “extremely challenging"
WASHINGTON D.C. -- A senior Russian official has come forward confirming accusations that Russia tried to coordinate with the Trump campaign in the hopes of stealing the 2016 election from President Hillary Rodham Clinton.
But in a massive twist, the Russian official insists that Russia’s efforts were ultimately unsuccessful because everyone on the Trump campaign was "so ignorant, ignominious and staggeringly incompetent – the nuts and bolts criminal conspiracy proved very challenging."
In sworn testimony, the unnamed Russian official reportedly told Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller that in the end, Putin's "truly historic, extensive, and deeply sinister efforts" to aid Trump, mold his presidential campaign into a terrifying criminal enterprise, and thereby commit an act of electoral terrorism against the United States, "were easier said than done."
"You're only as good as your people," the Russian official told Mueller, claiming Trump's campaign staff was "staggeringly inept, arrogant, and mistake-prone.”
The official said at first, Russian officials felt confident that they could work with the Trump campaign, noting that since the fall of the Berlin Wall, Russian security services have spent “a lot of time working with goons, mafioso, human traffickers, and illiterate gun-toting low-life criminals. But that didn’t prepare us for the Trump kids,” he testified, admitting the Kremlin wasn’t ready to deal with a cabal of criminals “this greedy, stupid and disorganized."
The official said initially, the Russians prayed for the opportunity to work with people like Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Corey Lewandoswki, Carter Page, Jeff Sessions, Gen. Michael Flynn, and Ivanka Trump as colleagues in warfare against democracy and the United States. “Be careful what you wish for,” he said.
Apparently, Jared Kushner and Donald Trump Jr. were outrageously unqualified, causing their Russian collaborators much discomfort and vexation. For instance, the official said, when Kremlin assassins showed up at Trump Tower to deliver a PowerPoint presentation detailing their plans to execute Hillary Clinton at the Democratic National Convention, Trump Jr. “refused to meaningfully engage,” instead taking selfies with the Russian killers, then posting the photographs to Facebook with the hashtag, #killHillaryClinton and #electiontheft. “It was totally unsubtle,” the official claims.
Meanwhile, Jared “slowed everything down” by demanding that the Russian prostitutes he’d imported to entertain his father-in-law refer to him as “princeling.”
“He was very entitled,” the official concluded.