After seven fucked up millennia of patriarchy, historians finally conclude men "aren't leadership material"
NEW HAVEN -- On Monday, the world's most prominent historians announced that after careful study of the seven previous millennia in which humanity experimented with patriarchy, they were forced to conclude that men "simply are not leadership material."
Yale University's Joanne Meyerowitz said feminist scholars had suspected this for some time.
"Due to what neuroscientists call the 'Y' chromosome, men are biologically incapable of the higher functioning that comes naturally to normal adult humans, i.e. women," she told hundreds of shocked reporters who gathered at Yale University to report on the conference's awesome findings.
Meyerowitz told the rapt crowd that "thousands of years proves exhaustively that males are less good at math, science, and verbal reasoning than the average human, as is shown by their well-known susceptibility to group-based violence and organized religion. Meanwhile, when males are motivated by egotism, their will to power and the prospect of sexual gratification, tests show that 65 percent of men lack the intellectual and moral capacity to understand basic concepts, like the meaning of the word 'no,' or prison time. The number jumps to 88 percent when the males have social, financial, political or professional power," she said.
"As a man, this is painful for me to admit. But as a scientist, I cannot avoid the evidence," said biology professor Bill Summers. "Men are totally unfit for leadership. If you want your organization to be successful, do men a favor, and immediately demote them. It's for their own good," he said.
Many academic said men had had "an amazing run" given their obvious shortcomings, pointing to serial rapist sexual harassers like failed GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump, Louis C.K., Julian Assange, Bill Cosby, Bill O'Reilly, Roy Moore, Roger Ailes, Casey Affleck, Harvey Weinstein, Al Franken, Jameis Winston, Matt Taibi, Kevin Spacey, Dustin Hoffman, Brett Ratner, Bill SImmons, Johnny Depp, Ben Affleck, Ed Westwick, Glenn Thrush, Jeffrey Tambor, Mark Halperin, Woody Allen, and Roman Polanski. Professor David Blight said, "really, it's amazing patriarchy lasted this long, all things considered. But if we want to avoid WWIII, it's time for humanity to cut our losses and elevate women to positions of power and privilege atop every industry as soon as possible. Time is of the essence, people," he said.