GOP launches investigation into Hillary Clinton's birth control
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The jury is finally out: it is officially impossible to teach an old dog new tricks, at least when the "old dog" is the Grand Old Party and the "new trick" is abstaining from investigations so ideological in nature that they put the Salem witch trials to shame.
The sequel to last year's extensive investigation into then-candidate Hillary Clinton's use of a private email server has arrived at last. On Monday morning, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell took to the floor to call for a formal investigation into President Clinton's use of birth control before and during her marriage.
"The integrity of the highest office of the land is at stake," thundered McConnell to his colleagues. "A potentially promiscuous woman now has the nuclear launch codes. Let that sink in."
When asked why President Clinton's past use of birth control matters while Donald Trump's old comments on sexually assaulting women do not, McConnell scoffed and asserted that "there is no comparison between the two."
In the Senate, the newly formed committee to investigate President Clinton's prior escapades will be chaired by Republican Senators Jim DeMint and Jeff Sessions. No such committee has yet formed in the House. Should it form, South Carolinian Representative Trey Gowdy has confirmed that he will not serve as Chairman, still suffering from nightmares about all the wasted time and taxpayer dollars spent on last year's probes into Clinton's emails.