Riots after state of emergency declared in California over boba tea shortage
LOS ANGELES – Young liberal coastal elites are rioting in Los Angeles over a shortage of the little chewy tapioca balls used in boba – or “bubble” – tea, a Tawainese drink invented in Taichung in the 1980s.
California Governor Jerry Brown declared a state of emergency today due to the shortage, citing fears of impending mutiny if the state’s government does not immediately direct all resources into procuring more tapioca balls to feed the masses.
College students across the country, most notably in California, require transfusions of boba directly into their veins daily for proper functioning. Without such dosing, authorities fear that liberal youth might feel the need to read books, instead of consuming mass-produced “cultural” foodstuffs, to educate themselves on East Asian culture.
“I’m literally going to die if I don’t get boba like yesterday,” said Shirley White, an American Studies major at UCLA. “I just like can’t even do this today, I think this is like cultural appropriation or something and I can’t be a part of it. Please Governor Brown, if you’re listening, bring back our boba!”