Rush Limbaugh impregnates Tomi Lahren, demands abortion
PALM BEACH – Conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh made headlines Thursday morning after news broke that the rightwing talk radio host had impregnated rightwing political commentator Tomi Lahren out of wedlock. Even more startling, sources close to Lahren told Page 6 that Limbaugh immediately demanded she undergo an abortion, saying it was his "Constitutional right to subject her body to his every command according to the 14th amendment."
The White House rejected Limbaugh's interpretation of Roe v. Wade at a Thursday press briefing, with Press Secretary Leslie Jones saying President Hillary Rodham Clinton "laughed her ass off" when she heard about Limbaugh's "bullshit misogynist legal theorizing" and looked forward to spending the evening rereading Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale.
Just hours later, Limbaugh attempted to contain fallout on the wight by defending his actions in typically convoluted Thursday afternoon broadcast, in which he insisted that Lahren’s abortion was consistent with his conservative moralism: “Look…it was an accident, okay? I knew she wasn't on slut pills, and thought I pulled out fast enough. Ejaculation is not a sin, Sheeple! Penises cannot be slutty. Unfortunately, Tomi might be going to hell.”
In a subsequent press conference, Lahren revealed she's leaning in favor of undergoing the procedure, citing reasoning that appeared at odds with previous statements she'd made denying a gender pay gap: “Facts are stubborn things, and the fact is…if I go through an entire pregnancy, I will not be able to continue my show. My earning potential will decline, and I will be forced to raise a child alone. This has not been an easy decision for me, but I am confident that God has accepted it.”
On the right, few other people agreed that God had forgiven Lahren.
Tom Potter, an everyday handyman from Alabama who leads a local pro-life group, is organizing a campaign to send Lahren pictures of murdered babies. But he said he'd already forgiven Limbaugh, sending the radio host a note of condolence that reads: “Her womb should’ve blocked the pregnancy, we reckon. It was her choice to be a pregnant slut, not yours!”