Climate scientists report "surging morale"

WORLDWIDE – New Gallup poll of internationally accredited laboratories reveals that all over the world, more climatologists report feeling "optimistic about the future," "fulfilled by their career choice" and "convinced we can avert the apocalypse" than ever before.

EPA administrators attributed climatologists' sunnier outlook about the world to President Hillary Rodham Clinton, who has vowed to tackle climate change within the first six months of her presidency.

Gallup's findings also seem consistent with other recent polling that's tracked a rapid decline in climate change denial since Clinton's election. "After Donald Trump lost miserably by 3 million votes in November, the Republican Party was quick to change its platform," said House Speaker Paul Ryan.

On the RNC’s website, the “Scripture Over Science” tab came down the day after the election. "Once in denial about the most dire threat facing Americans and the future of humanity, the Republican Party now boasts a newfound faith in scientists in all fields but vaccine research," Ryan said.

Polling also reveals that for the first time ever climatologists feel optimistic about the sustainability of our planet. In an interview last night on CNN, Bill Nye the Science Guy shockingly revealed that many climatologists in his circle were about to quit their professions had Donald Trump been elected president: “I mean, can you imagine? After making so much progress under President Obama…the way climatologists see it, if no one is going to listen to them, then they might as well live out their days with family and friends before the tsunamis, floods, hurricanes, tornados, and evisceration of our atmosphere wipe out the entire world.”

Just one month into office, President Hillary Rodham Clinton has made combatting climate change one of the core tenets of her presidency. She and her Secretary of State have already convinced leaders of the G20 to curb their countries carbon emissions by half by 2030, a move that climatologists agree would save the planet provided Donald Trump cuts back on his excessive [golden] showering tendencies.