Crisis at CPAC: Preibus confesses Sweden is "safe," "thoroughly lovely"
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A grievous divide involving senior Republicans' diverging attitudes towards a small, peaceful, and wealthy northern European nation is threatening to torpedo this year's CPAC conference.
Across the country, GOP leaders were aghast Saturday morning when Reince Priebus broke with Republican dogma on ascending the stage at CPAC, where he publicly conceded that Sweden is “safe and thoroughly lovely.”
Immediately, Fox News contributor Tucker Carlson Tweeted, "Sweden is the inner city, but a whole country of it. ISIS was founded there. #facts"
At CPAC, gasps could be heard from the audience as Priebus tried to walk back his comments: “Is Sweden perfect? No! I live in America after all. But it is a pretty safe place. And polls show that people are happy there!”
Judging by crowd reaction, Preibus's improvised attempt at damage control didn't go down well. Shouts of “FAKE POLLS” echoed through the room, while dozens of pro-life leaders fainted, with one seeming to enter cardiac arrest.
The Republican Party has been crippled by members' conflicting perceptions of Sweden ever since the 2016 presidential election, when failed GOP candidate Donald Trump accused Sweden of being a fictional country, called world maps featuring Sweden "fake news," and dismissed the existence of the Swedish people as, "unsubstantiated ruses."
After Priebus’s comments today, the failed presidential candidate tweeted: “SWEDISH PRIEBUS! Don’t listen to him. That country is HELL. They don’t even have normal fish there – just sweet red candies. That is SOCIALISM, people!”
Whether the Swedish people mind or are even aware that they are the subject of Republican scorn, foment and woe is unclear, though recent polling suggests that either way, they continue to be quite content.