Falcons win Super Bowl
HOUSTON – The Atlanta Falcons won a resounding victory in the 51st annual Super Bowl this past Sunday, defeating the New England Patriots 42-6. In doing so, the Falcons broke through a sky-high glass ceiling for southeastern players in professional football, becoming the first team in the region to win the big game since the Miami Dolphins in 1974.
The Falcons’ victory over the Patriots – a privileged team widely known for cheating, general villainy, and longtime association with Draco Malfoy – apparently did not sit well with former presidential candidate Donald Trump, who has fostered a close friendship with multiple Patriots players. He most recently tweeted: “The Falcons cheated by practicing. The Patriots should’ve gotten Putin to deflate the ball again…whatever it takes to beat LOSERS.”
In a post-game interview, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady blamed the loss on Lady Gaga’s halftime show, explaining that his teammates could not stop dancing on the field: “Her songs of love and unity sabotaged our minds the same way carbs, nightshades, and Leonardo DiCaprio sabotage the body.”