EXCLUSIVE! Trump Tax Returns Leaked!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hillary Beat Trump has received exclusive access to failed presidential candidate Donald Trump’s 2009 1040 Tax Return. The document is, simply put, shocking.

They contain few numbers, but lots of statements, like "I LOVE BOOBIES," and "I FEEL LIKE EASTING A POTATO NOW."

While HBT only received one page of the return, the document—which is definitely authentic—speaks volumes.

“I have seen a lot of tax returns in my time,” said famed economist and former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. “But this is a new level. This is the alternative tax form in all its glory.”

Economist Paul Krugman, professor of economics at the Graduate Center of the City University of New York and New York Times columnist, said: “I’m not totally sure why you are contacting me. This is not about economics. This is about psychology. And man, Trump is one crazy motherfucker.”

Psychologist and feminist Carol Tellman confirmed Krugman’s theory. “The man clearly has serious mother and fucking issues. Possibly also daughter issues. The use of the word ‘boobies’ reveals an undeveloped knowledge and respect for women. It also reveals an undeveloped penis, in all probability.”

She continued: “I don’t like to diagnose people without speaking to them and analyzing them in person, but in this case I feel comfortable doing so. He shows signs of narcissism and delusions. He also clearly has attention span issues, if he can’t even fill out the first line on his tax returns.”

“We should all be very relieved that Hillary Clinton won the election in the landslide,” concluded Tellman. “Can you imagine if this guy were president?”