Russian ambassador attempts Jedi Mind Trick during Senate investigatory probe
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Russian Ambassador to the United States, Sergey Kislyak, unexpectedly agreed yesterday to appear before the Senate committee investigating alleged Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. The ambassador’s voluntary submission came as less stunning, however, than his apparent attempt to use a Jedi Mind Trick during questioning.
Appointed to his current position in 2008, Ambassador Kislyak has been no stranger to controversy—reportedly having been accused by US Intelligence officials of being a top Russian spy and recruiter—but the hubbub surrounding this latest conduct may be the most controversial allegation yet.
When asked by Senator Lindsey Graham whether he had personally ordered Russian hacking attempts on the DNC, Kislyak waved his hand and suggestively said, “Lindsey, I made no such attempt. I am not the Russian you are looking for. You will end your questioning now, and let me go in peace.”
Kislyak appeared as confused as others present when Graham merely repeated his question, apparently unmoved by the ambassador’s attempt to tap into The Force. Without further comment, Kislyak abruptly ended the questioning and left the chamber.
To a staff member after exiting, Kislyak reportedly claimed, “If Vitaly or Dmitri had been with me, they wouldn’t have stood a chance!” The Russian ambassador was reportedly trained along with comrades Vitaly and Dmitri by Sith Lord Vladimir Putin, pictured.
Afterwards, Senator Graham scoffed at the notion that he could be so easily compromised. “Nah, I’m pretty much immune to crap like that!" Later, with a smile, Graham joked, "We Republicans have already perfected the ways of the Dark Side."