Former Senator Jeff Sessions swears he did not eat that chocolate bar
WASHINGTON, D.C. Former U.S. Senator Jefferson Beauregard “Jeff” Sessions III (R., Ala.) and Senator Marco Rubio (R., Fla.) are no longer on speaking terms after Sessions claims Rubio wrongly accused him of stealing his Hershey’s bar.
Rubio claims to have been in a meeting with Sessions and the chocolate in question. He reported that Sessions snagged the bar from Rubio’s back pocket when Rubio rose to get a glass of water.
“Just look in his pockets!” said Rubio shortly after the meeting concluded. “I guarantee you there is a wrapper in there right now.”
“Look,” said Sessions. “I am willing to testify under oath that I did not take the chocolate.”
In fact, Sessions, in a really weird move, did testify to this under oath. It is unclear why the Senate agreed to have a hearing on this, but apparent Rubio was able to rally the far, if diminishing, right wing of the Senate.
“I don’t know what else to say,” said Sessions, licking at the corners of his mouth. “I have never had any contact with chocolate. Ever. Categorically. Not once. Because it’s true. That I didn’t eat Senator Rubio’s chocolate. I am not lying.”
Pictures have since emerged showing Sessions’ mouth ringed in a brown substance that appears to be chocolate.
In a statement released this morning, Sessions said: “I never ate any of Rubio’s chocolate. I have no idea what this allegation is about. It is false.”