Students rejoice as Clinton ends college debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Campuses across the the country were ecstatic on Friday as President Hillary Rodham Clinton signed an executive order forgiving student loans for college graduates.

In her daily briefing, White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones explained the administration’s rationale: “Banks are charging students exorbitant interest rates on classes that cost $60,000 a year, and a dorm the size of a broom closet? Come on now. That's just predatory, like a dentists handing out candied apples on Halloween.”

Nationwide, the executive order was hailed as "a pleasant surprise" by those who self-identify as “Bernie Bros,” who insisted throughout the 2016 primaries that Clinton would "totally neglect all the issues facing white male millennial college students like me," according to Casey Affleck, who did not attend college and is not a millennial.  

In a focus group on CNN, Tom Potter—a Pennsylvanian who voted for Bernie in the primary and then abstained from the general—revealed he is “beginning to accept that Hillary Clinton might be a little progressive.”

Clinton said she hopes that universities across the country will finally accept that the tuition fees they're charging are "increasing at a predatory rate," especially in comparison to their graduates’ earning potentials. Clinton says she plans to follow up on her executive order with legislation mandating that colleges not increase their tuition by more than the rate of inflation each year and making state-funded colleges free.