Republicans place themselves on Terrorist Watch List after threatening to “Blow Up” Obamacare
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Republicans from both the House and the Senate added their own names to the Terrorist Watch List on Thursday after senior GOP leaders acknowledged to law enforcement that they'd gotten involved in a secret plot to kill millions of Americans in return for tax breaks.
President Hillary Rodham Clinton told reporters that, "after repeatedly threatening to “blow up” Obamacare, the Republican Party has reached a new low in its ongoing identity crisis: actual attempted homicide."
In interviews, senior GOP leadership sadly agreed.
“As Republicans, we abhor terrorism, but we must also continue to find new, more malicious ways to screw the less fortunate. Politically, it’s a Catch-22,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “In the absence of more palatable policy options, I've urged the Republican Party to follow in the footsteps of rightwing heroes like Joran Van Der Sloot and simply embrace mass murder. If they survive, I hope the American people will forgive me and my party."
House Speaker Paul Ryan was similarly regretful.
“Are we terrorists, or are we just lone wolves wanting to kill poor people? I’m not sure we know anymore,” said Ryan. “I know I have neither the brain nor the willpower to create a replacement for Obamacare, so that’s why I started the ‘blow it up’ chants outside the Capitol. But things have gotten out of hand,” he said.
Hours after Ryan's confession, D.C. Police detained a Russian citizen who appeared to be Donald Trump after the failed GOP presidential nominee set fire to a copy of the Affordable Healthcare Act on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. The senile 70-year-old explained, “My whole campaign was based around destroying Obamacare. Well, look at me now! Promise kept!”
It is unclear when Trump returned to American soil. According to the New York Times, Trump's lawyers are demanding his release on the grounds that it's illegal for American law enforcement to arrest Russian nationals traveling on diplomatic passports, arguing he should be allowed to return to his assisted living facility in Moscow.
“I’m not sure how those morons planned on blowing up a piece of legislation when President Hillary Rodham Clinton won the election by 3 million votes and Medicaid is wildly popular. But Republicans tend not to think things through, especially the pro-lifers,” said Representative Maxine Waters. “It would be nice to come to work one day, interact with my Republican colleagues, and not fear for my constituents' lives, but I won’t hold my breath.”