Pope Francis breaks from centuries of tradition, declares Clinton the first living saint
VATICAN CITY -- As America's first woman president, Hillary Rodham Clinton is no stranger to "historic firsts." But this week, she's outdone herself:
On Tuesday, Pope Francis electrified the international news media and threw ancient Catholic doctrines to the wind with the groundbreaking announcement that he's declaring President Clinton a saint.
According to Cardinal News, this is the first time a living person has ever officially been canonized.
At his packed Vatican press conference, Pope Francis explained to reporters that there's traditionally a five-step process for becoming a saint.
The first step is to be dead for five years.
However, the Pope waived this requirement, saying Clinton so amply fulfilled the other four characteristics, he's “willing to let this one slide.”
Pope Francis said that the remaining four categories are: 1) That the candidate be a servant of God; 2) live a life of heroic virtue; 3) perform verified miracles; 4) and be canonized.
“Hillary is, of course, a servant of God. Look at her choices and deeds. She has been a public servant her whole life, always putting the needs of others first. Not building walls but tearing them down,” he said.
Turning to the requirement, the Pope said Clinton was "uniquely virtuous among humans and especially politicians. Her whole life has been scrutinized and leaked—her emails, her phone conversations, the emails of her closest friends and families. The fact that there was nothing—and I do mean nothing — Like, N-O-T-H-I-N-G in them that would give anyone even a moment’s pause speaks volumes.”
After several minutes of deafening applause, Francis continued. “Miracles? Let me tell you about miracles! That Clinton won this election in a landslide when faced with so many obstacles: Trump being a Russian spy; interference from Russia; accused rapists leaking her emails; the American population’s obsession with reality television stars, that she was a strong woman in a country that demonizes them—or used to anyway. Well, folks. She won by 3 million votes. And if it walks like a miracle and talks like a miracle....”
Here, he held out his microphone to the joyous crowd
-- “It's a miracle!” came the echoing reply.
Francis said that in order to be canonized, a second miracle normally needs to occur that can be attributed to prayers made to the candidate after they have been beatified. But he said in Clinton's case, this was a stupid technicality.
“Look, I’m willing to go ahead and call her a martyr,” said the Pope (martyrs require no final miracle). “But I don’t need to. Take a look at all the wonderful things that have happened in America since Clinton became president: Crime is down, college tuition is waived, the stock market is booming, joblessness is at an all-time low. It’s like everyone’s prayers have been answered. In fact, I think they have been. And it’s all thanks to Saint Hillary Rodham Clinton.”