Wayne LaPierre hospitalized after self-inflicted paintball wound
ROANOKE, VA – Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association (NRA), was hospitalized today after a gruesome paintballing accident. Witnesses at Fred Stone’s Paintballing Jungle claimed that LaPierre was carelessly holding his paintball gun when it suddenly discharged, lodging a paintball directly into the underside of his jaw.
LaPierre clasped at his jaw and struggled to catch his breath while an employee at the site calmly called 911. Upon arriving, emergency personnel struggled to subdue LaPierre, who reportedly thrashed about while yelling, “Stop them! They’re trying to take my gun!”
LaPierre had to be sedated before the medical crew could lift him into the ambulance.
Witnesses at the scene were shocked at the gruesome nature of the injury, but also disappointed in LaPierre’s carelessness. “Mr. LaPierre seemed extremely inattentive during our safety presentation, choosing to play on his phone rather than pay attention,” explained employee Jane McCain. “When I asked him if he had any questions he just told me, ‘Lady, I know how to operate a gun. Trust me.’ After that, I just let him be.”
Owner Fred Jones expressed frustration. “Mr. LaPierre is the third person this week to have an accident. All three of them were fervent NRA supporters. At this point, I’m strongly considering a background check system. These people simply cannot handle a paintball gun.”
LaPierre is currently recovering at Carilion Memorial Hospital, where he is reportedly in stable condition. He is expected to make a full recovery before next week’s annual NRA conference on “The Rationality of Gun Ownership for the Mentally Ill.”