Bill O'Reilly leaves Fox to run for president; "Fox and Friends" officially rebrands as "Fox and Your Racist Grandpa”
NEW YORK -- On Wednesday, Bill O'Reilly announced he is leaving Fox News in order to run for president.
"President Hillary Rodham Clinton's approval ratings may be high right now, but she's can't expect to win a second term with a guy like me in the mix. I am hoping that the American people will forgive me - a man who has exploited, harassed and sexually assaulted multitudes women throughout my entire career - and let me ruin Hillary's professional dreams, as I have shattered so many women's," O'Reilly said.
Within hours of O'Reilly's announcement, he had already snagged key endorsements from high profile rapists and sexual predators, including Bill Cosby, Dov Charney, Julian Assange, Clarence Thomas, Roger Ailes, failed candidate Donald Trump and Brock Turner.
Nate Silver, editor of FiveThirtyEight, said O'Reilly's chances of winning are "zero. He has high name recognition, but the electorate will never support a man accused of sexual assault."
In a press release, Fox News wished O'Reilly luck with his political endeavors, and announced it's rebranding its other prime time television programs to reflect its aging and dying demographic. "From now on, 'Fox and Friends' will have a new, clearer name: 'Fox and Your Racist Grandpa,'" said spokeswoman Gretchen Muller said.
“We did a bunch of surveys and discovered it’s mostly racist grandpas tuning in,” said Muller, an attractive young blonde intern hired, terrorized, harassed and promoted by Bill O’Reilly. “If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that racist grandpas absolutely love watching women who look like me spew hate on their screens. I’m just waiting for my big break,” she said, smiling through tears.
Other than racist grandpas, Fox News said their viewers chiefly consist of people who claim to be Christians but continually misquote the Bible, men who use homophobic slurs yet frequent gay porn sites, and women who have never read, Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them.
“According to our viewer surveys, our viewers don’t understand the Internet and will believe anything we say,” said rising network star Tucker Carlson. “Sometimes I feel like we’re exploiting them, and then I remember I can make millions preying on their vulnerabilities while wearing a stupid bow tie. I’ve got to get what’s mine.”
In addition to hiring new young blonde women to degrade, Fox and Your Racist Grandpa plans to ramp up it’s use of racial slurs and bigoted commentary. “I think the more we distract from the issues by using hate speech, the better off we’ll be with our loyal viewers,” said host Brian Kilmeade while he penciled in his eyebrows.
Despite O'Reilly's loss, Fox remains embroiled in 891 sexual assault lawsuits and will likely file bankruptcy due to millions in settlements owed to victims.