Flexing muscles, Clinton threatens America’s enemies with non-imaginary weapons
WASHINGTON D.C. -- The New York Times is reporting that President Hillary Rodham Clinton has instituted a new policy of threatening America's enemies with non-imaginary weapons only, a controversial negotiating principle that's already caused two four-star generals to resign.
"As our Commander-in-Chief, Clinton is displaying an appalling level of realism," one of the upset generals told the Times. "It's as though goody-two-shoes Clinton considers herself too good to lie about war. (Bitch.)"
The conflict between the White House and the Defense Department escalated this week after North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un threatened to conduct a missile test after learning that Clinton's latest round of sanctions prevents him from getting American Vogue - a provocation that required American reaction. In a phone call with Clinton, the two generals, who spoke to the Times on condition of anonymity, urged the president to react by publicly claiming that she'd ordered the Carl Vinson - an American aircraft carrier - into the Sea of Japan.
"We're in a post-truth world, where words don't necessarily mean things," the generals allegedly told Clinton.
Clinton rejected this plan outright, calling it "bogus" on the grounds that both the Carl Vinson and the four other warships in its strike force were "at that very moment sailing in the opposite direction to take part in joint exercises with the Australian Navy in the Indian Ocean, 3,500 miles southwest of the Korean Peninsula," according to the Times.
In a rare display of temper, Clinton berated the generals' "idiocy, inattention to detail and mortifyingly cheap machismo," saying that under her leadership, "the United States will only threaten its enemies with actual weapons. This isn't a pissing contest. This is a potential nuclear war. While you two dickless losers brag about fake military manoeuvres, I have ovaries of steel and I am not fucking around."
Clinton said misleading the media into peddling a false narrative about a fictitious American armada speeding towards North Korea was not only immoral, "but certain to undermine the credibility, and therefore the safety, of the United States in the coming years."