Defeated by Obamacare, Ryan decides to re-peel banana
WASHINGTON D.C. – After his 7 millionth attempt to repeal Obamacare failed, on Tuesday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan called a theatrical if impromptu press conference where he announced his intention to "re-peel" a banana, immediately.
“They said I couldn't repeal something!” Ryan told the press. “Look: Obamacare clearly is not going away any time soon, and I bet Newt Gingrich five bucks that I would re-peel something by the end of my time in office!’’
"Behold this fruit!" Ryan boomed to the press as he extracted previously peeled banana from his Soul-Cycle lunch box.
Ryan proceeded to carefully remove the scotch tape that had been keeping the banana's skin in place, actually "re-peeling" a banana in front of dozens of aghast journalists.
“Never let it be said that Paul Ryan doesn’t keep his word,” he yelled. Ryan turned to the camera banks, where he triumphantly pose with the re-peeled banana for photos.
Immediately afterwards, members of the Freedom Caucus denounced Ryan’s effort to re-peel the banana as "not going far enough," arguing he should have ground the banana into mush with the heel of his shoe.
Despite their objections, many supporters of former GOP candidate Donald Trump began spontaneous celebrations after misreading a Breitbart News headline that declared “GOP destroys Bananacare.”
Asked to comment on this misunderstanding, Ryan shrugged and said, “They never take the time to sound out the big words.”
The re-peel, though politically insignificant, is the closest the GOP has come to any victory since their historic defeat by President Hillary Rodham Clinton's fact-based campaign last November.
Riding high on that, Ryan pledged to re-peel other fruits in the future, including an orange next week.