Senator Jeff Sessions urges America to cut ties with foreign land of Hawaii
WASHINGTON, DC -- On Friday, Alabama senator Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions stormed out of the Senate cafeteria after colleagues laughed when he suddenly started yelling, "it's imperative that we cut all diplomatic ties with the foreign land of Hawaii."
The outburst reportedly followed an upsetting conversation Sessions was having with some of his younger Republican peers about popular TV shows and Hawaii, the birthplace of former President Barack Obama.
“He just snapped,” noted Arkansas senator Tom Cotton. “It was the oddest thing. We were simply discussing random pop culture stuff and all of a sudden he slammed down his chocolate milk, stomped his foot, and then bolted out of the room, muttering under his breath about enemy Islanders.”
In a meandering interview with Confederate CNN, Sessions later attempted to explain his unusual behavior.
“Gee golly, I just, I just got hotter than a sun-baked raisin,” explained Sessions. “All the folks I was eating with were talking about their favorite ‘Murican shows and movies. Problem was, many of them weren’t even American! Hawaii 5-0, Real World: Hawaii, Aloha and that suspicious Disney Movie, Moana. It just got me angrier than a sleepy rooster that my own colleagues don’t know the difference between a state and an island.”
Sessions sighed. “I guess I just miss the good ole days when everyone knew all 31 states,” he lamented. “For us growing up in the south, we even had to memorize the ABC state song. Alabama, Arkansas Georgia…you know how it goes. All of us would hang out after school by the monument of President Jefferson Davis and would sing it with pride. We always got lots of thumbs up from the local men taking their white sheets down to the Laundromat. Times just ain’t what they used to be, I reckon.”
Sessions was later seen offering his jacket to South Carolina senator Tim Scott outside the Senate cloakroom, informing him that he would return for it after his evening brandy.