Republican-led Congress votes to legalize The Purge

WASHINGTON, DC -- On Thursday, House Republicans passed a bill legalizing The Purge in an effort to kill as many Americans as quickly as possible.

“For years, we’ve been trying to kill our fellow Americans,” explained House Speaker Paul Ryan at a triumphant press conference. “We've promoted gun ownership for the mentally ill, weakened the EPA, and even tried taking away health care for 24 million of our fellow countrymen nearly 70 times. However, none of these attempts at mass-murder-suicide have moved quickly enough," he said. "Then, last week, Congressman Jason Chaffetz and I had a realization after a late-night brainstorming session over cheese and crackers: We need to consolidate all the death into one night."

“It was quite a meeting of the minds,” recalled Chaffetz, grinning. “We flirted with all kinds of ideas, from forcing people accused of crimes to complete a Running Man-inspired gauntlet or face execution, to creating a Hunger Games-style competition where poor kids of color fight to the death for school vouchers. We even tinkered with engineering a deadly virus, a la Contagion. However, we ultimately went with The Purge, mainly because our good friends at the NRA offered to provide all White Men with a buy-one-get-one-free deal on brand new AK-47s. It’s gonna be lit, as the kids say!”

White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones addressed the vote at the daily press briefing, saying the bill has infuriated President Hillary Rodham Clinton, who will certainly veto it.

“Jesus H. Christ, what the hell is wrong with those fools?” asked a bewildered Jones. “Obviously the Senate will reject this bill because nobody in their right mind would ever support legislation that would potentially kill millions of Americans. That would be political suicide. Republicans are mind-numbingly dumb, but I didn’t think they were this stupid!” 

Jones sighed. 

“But I also never thought that a White congressman from Utah would be caught dead trying to use the word ‘lit’ so what do I know?”