Planet celebrates as Clinton signs Paris Accord: "I'm not a Mother Earth-Fucker"
WASHINGTON D.C. -- The world rejoiced on Friday as President Hillary Rodham Clinton signed the Paris Accord, calling the agreement "our last and best chance to combat global warming and ensure the continued safety of our common planet."
In a rousing speech from the Rose Garden, Clinton said not signing the treaty was "unthinkable," promising that the landmark 2015 pact will revivify the U.S. economy by imposing "wildly fair environmental standards on American businesses and workers," according to the New York Times.
Clinton's speech was briefly interrupted when a drunk Breitbart employee - who Secret Service later identified as Paul Joseph Watson - started yelling that her latest attempt to save the planet from man-made environmental disaster was proof of her "notorious pro-female bias."
"Unlike you, I am not a Mother Earth-Fucker," she told Watson, before he was arrested by the Secret Service.
Clinton continued her remarks, saying: "Americans elected me President of the United States - which is the world's biggest polluter - in a 3 million-vote landslide. Today, I am proud to sign the Paris Accord as both the leader of the free world, and as a patriot," she said.
World leaders of more than 130 countries joined Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, scientists, poor people, North Pole-resident Santa, the unborn, the Pope, and the American energy sector in praising Clinton for refusing to kill everyone on the planet.
According to White House Press Secretary Leslie Jones, German Chancellor Angela Merkel even sent Clinton a congratulatory bottle of vodka with a deadpanned note saying, "Thanks for the ice."