Trump spotted trying to stuff tampons into his penis
MOSCOW– Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay reportedly found Donald Trump in a compromising position this morning when he arrived at Trump Tower Moscow to discuss catering for the AARP's upcoming annual gala, "Racist Geriatrics and their Mail-Order Brides," and discovered the failed GOP presidential candidate hunched over a box of tampax.
Ramsay told the New York Daily News that when he entered Trump’s hotel room, the former reality TV star was trying to ram a tampon into his urethra.
Trump allegedly told Ramsay that shoving three tampons into his urethra has replaced his morning routine of snorting four lines of cocaine mixed with coffee grounds. Ramsay said Trump offered him his own handful of wrapped tampons, saying, “This is the good stuff!”
Trump said that Platex-slim fit tampons are his favorite because they are "h-yuge," "the perfect size for my hands," and "because they stop blood."
Trump's penis had bled profusely since President Hillary Rodham Clinton defeated him in November's election by a humiliating margin of 3 million votes.
Genital blood obsesses Trump, who has twice been hospitalized due to his paralyzing fear of germs, women, and sex with women who cannot be paid to fake orgasms.
Trump told Ramsey that while women's periods are disgusting, what he does with tampons is called "M-E-N-struation." Menstruation is manly, Trump insisted, pointing to his desk, where a single copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves given to him by his daughter Ivanka lay mangled and covered in a thin veneer of what looked like semen.
Trump's knowledge of female anatomy and his beliefs about women's relationship with blood were recently criticized by Jack the Ripper as "vague, grotesque and from sheerly a medical perspective insanely inaccurate."
Trump angrily told Ramsey that he's not friends with Jack the Ripper anymore. He said he knows "a lot more about tampons than other men do" because he has grabbed "so many women" by the pussy, "and that's where women, who are always gushing blood, hide their tampons."
"Trump said he thinks it’s – and I quote – ‘fucking unfair that whores like Megyn Kelly and Mika Brzezinski get to feel the tickle of cotton fibers inside their genitals as they bleed freely from their noses and eyes and armpits and vaginas. Now, I have what they have! But Obama stole my tampon. I hate Obama!'” Ramsay recalled.
“I’ve seen some things, but I need some fucking therapy after that,” Ramsay said.