DNA links Ted Cruz to the brutal murder of Martha and Thomas Wayne
GOTHAM -- In yet another shocking twist, a recently declassified Gotham Police Report suggests that Texas Senator Ted Cruz may have been responsible for the unsolved double murder of Thomas and Martha Wayne in 1992, which till now has been attributed to Joe Cool.
The brutal homicide - which left Gotham's ultra-rich power couple lying dead on city streets, apparently slain by a random gunman - was responsible for orphaning young Bruce Wayne, providing the tragic catalyst for his eventual transformation into the masked crusader, Batman.
When interviewed over the phone, Cruz - whose secret life as the Zodiac Killer has seen him implicated in the deaths of several high-profile victims, including Heath Ledger and Nicole Brown Simpson - seemed audibly aroused by questions about his role in the death of Martha and Thomas Wayne.
“Honestly, it sounds like something I would do,” Cruz said, while vigorously masturbating to an unusually gruesome episode of NCIS: Miami.
“Still, I can't help but think it’s a shame that they had to die,” said Cruz philosophically, noting the windfall the Wayne family might have enjoyed in capital gains tax cuts, "had they only survived."
The revelation may prove a problem for the Texas Senator in his 2018 reelection bid. “Generally speaking, constituents look poorly on electing publicly known serial killers,” said TIME magazine's veteran political correspondent, Jay Newton-Small Eric. “But at this point, if his intolerant, rhetoric, and obvious evilness haven't done him in, it’s hard to see the recurring confessions of murder having much affect. That's the power of gerrymandering," she said.