Clinton outlaws very loud motorcycles
WASHINGTON D.C. -- President Hillary Rodham Clinton signed an executive order Tuesday requiring all U.S. motorcycle manufactures to stifle engine sounds. Now, motorcyclists who exceed a 74 decibel maximum will be prosecuted as domestic terrorists.
The executive order is wildly popular with pedestrians, people who are in love with men going through midlife crises, and Americans with ears, and it marks a triumph for the wonkish, detail-oriented Clinton, who has advocated for policies to address the "national menace of motorcycle-related noise pollution" since 1999.
At a White House press conference, President Clinton was impassioned, hailing the order as "integral to restoring the peace and tranquility of our nation’s many streets.”
“Motorcycles should be seen, not heard. This is going to liberate every man, woman, and child in America oppressed by the piercing cacophony generated by motorcycles. This order is going to provide freedom to masses of people who are simply trying to enjoy the outdoors or converse in public safe from the scream of the hog's engine."
Although the executive order has attracted passionate support from café-goers, restaurant patio patrons, and suburban residents with gardens, some biker-enthusiasts are genuinely baffled by the initiative.
“I don’t understand, if I’m not disrupting everyone within a mile, then how will people know I ride a motorcycle?” asked Suzuki rider Mike Glen, incredulous.
“Frankly it makes no sense. Just one more useless regulation from the federal government,” said outraged Triumph-owner Larry Barnes. “’People won’t realize that a real cool guy like me is riding through their quiet street on a sick bike unless I inflict my ear-piercing male noise on them."
Asked to comment, Harley Davidson CEO, Mathew Levatich, said, ”I can tell you exactly why it’s an unjust law…” before his words were drowned out by a passing motorcyclist who police now have in custody.