Putin audibly whimpers as U.S. imposes crippling sanctions on Russia
WASHINGTON D.C. -- Screams of pain echoed through Moscow on Monday as U.S. imposed imposed "truly crippling" new sanctions on Russia in order to punish Russian President Vladimir Putin for trying to steal the 2016 election from America's first woman commander-in-chief, President Hillary Rodham Clinton.
The sanctions target Russia's top ten exports, including oil, murder, polonium-based perfumes, wood, photos of Putin without a shirt, wood, corrupt kleptocrats, iron, athletes on steroids, gems and precious metals, electric machinery, new strands of the HIV virus, copper, and Trump's truly execrable Twitter feed.
"That's all Russia has to offer the world. When these sanctions go into effect, they're going to devastate Russia's economy," said economist Linda Moorewood.
Clinton, who defeated failed candidate Donald Trump by a resounding margin of 3 million votes despite Putin's interference, called the sanctions "a total no-brainer for America. By trying to prevent me from becoming president, Putin committed an egregious act of warfare against the United States, democracy, and women fighting for equality all over the world," she said.
"On a more personal note, Putin's entire personality is basically a cartoon phallus. Geopolitically, I'm more than happy to castrate him."
RT reports that when Putin learned of the sanctions, he fell to his knees, crying. After a full minute of sobbing, the Russian President crawled on his hands and knees over to the "red phone" - Moscow's direct line to the White House - and dialed the Oval Office.
The line rang for a full 137 seconds. Clinton did not pick up.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who is pursuing a similarly harsh sanctions package against Russia in Berlin, responded on Twitter, "YAAAS QUEEN!"
The new sanctions have upended politics in Washington D.C. too, where, just a few weeks ago, the Republican Party announced it was "officially changing sides in the Cold War." On Monday, GOP Senators unanimously voted to support the sanctions, causing the Washington Post's Dana Milbank to wonder "whether pressure and criticism from Americans citizens is forcing the GOP to withdraw from its recent alliance with Russia."
On Monday, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell indicated that GOP party is more open to working with the United States of America going forward, though unwilling to enter any formal alliance.
Others dissented. "Whether Democrat or Republican - we're all Americans: no one interferes in our elections, and telling Putin to fuck off is the patriotic thing to do," said Senator John McCain. "Sorry we got so confused about this for a while."