GOP to release next made-up Clinton scandal next week
WASHINGTON -- On Tuesday, Republican Senator Jeff Sessions announced that the GOP will release its next made-up Clinton scandal next week.
The new completely fabricated Clinton scandal has been eagerly awaited by conservatives. "We've been working on new material for months now," Sessions said, citing President Hillary Rodham Clinton's "depressingly high" poll numbers and "obvious virtue" as reason for the party's crippling writers' block since November's election, when Clinton obliterated Donald Trump at the ballot boxes by 3 million votes.
“We've had our best, most inventive minds on this since the election. I promise, the wait is worth it. This is going to be a juicy one,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "I think we've really outdone ourselves this time."
Rightwing appetite for soon-to-be-released Clinton scandal could't be greater. According to Paul Ryan, despondent Republican congressmen have been meeting weekly to drink and reminisce about the glory days of Benghazi, emails, Watergate, emails, Travelgate, emails, Vince Foster, emails, Pizzagate, and emails.
"For years, Clinton's innocence has been a big obstacle to our caucus. But we've never let that stop us before," said Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee. "I, for one, can’t wait for the new investigation to begin, no matter how spurious the charges,” he said, adding “there’s no amount of taxpayer money I’m not willing to spend to concoct an emotionally satisfying pretext for a witch hunt.”
While tight-lipped about the plot of "Baseless Clinton Scandal, Vol. XXII," GOP congressmen praised Breitbart's investigative team and cocaine for the inspiration behind the latest Clinton scandal, which is scheduled to drop on Fox News early next week.
Media outlets have done a lot of digging to try and find out what the next Clinton Scandal is, with unnamed sources providing possible explanations as far ranging as “pantsuit choice” to “possible robot.” One leaked email chain between Speaker Paul Ryan and Reince Preibus began with the subject line, “blonde?,” causing analysts to speculate that Clinton's hair color or white racial identity may be open to Republican attack.
Newt Gingrich, grinning, told the New York Times that most Americans will have to wait until next Tuesday to find out about the new made-up Clinton scandal. Till then, only the GOP top brass and scores of D.C. mistresses will know for sure.
"It's a doozy," he promised.