Jared Kushner: "I did not quaalude with Russia"
WASHINGTON -- On Tuesday, Jared Kushner testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee that while he did meet with Putin's drug dealer four times during the 2016 presidential election, "I did not quaalude with Russia."
Kushner told Senators that he brought approximately $16,000 in cash to each of his four meetings with Putin's personal drug dealer. But Kushner said that ultimately, these drug deals were so "detailed and boring," at one point, he begged his secretary via email to provide him with a pretext to leave one of the four meetings.
He denied he left the meeting to take quaaludes.
In the wake of Kushner's testimony, many asked: Was his account believable?
It was not.
Throughout his testimony, Kushner was drowsy, and had the appearance of recently taking sedatives.
When Senator Kamala Harris asked Kushner point blank whether he was high on quaaludes "right now," Kushner vehemently shook his head, causing drool to slowly explode from his half-open mouth, saying he'd only eaten a few "disco biscuits" to prepare for his testimony.
Harris pointed out that Kushner initially lied about his repeated meetings with the Putin's drug dealer, until photos emerged showing Kushner, Putin's drug dealer, and Bill Cosby popping pills outside Trump Towers.
She also pointed out that "multiple incriminating emails" shows that Donald Trump Jr., the son of failed candidate Donald Trump, arranged Kushner's multiple meetings with Putin's drug dealer. The original email's subject heading was: "Let's all QUAALUDE with Russia to defeat Hillary Clinton, and maybe kill her."
During the emails exchanges, Putin's drug dealer assures Jared and Don Jr. that intends to "literally bring you guys quaaludes, so that we can quaalude together. I'll also disclose information about Clinton's habitual drug-taking, which for years included her taking two Advils on a monthly for abdominal pain."
"I love it!" Don Jr. wrote back. "She's such an addict!"
After being accused of perjury this afternoon, Kushner now claims he never read his brother-in-law's correspondence about quaaluding with Russia because, "I was too high and out of it to read, therefore I'm innocent. Why isn't anyone investigating President Clinton's abuse of Midol?"