War hero McCain says hanging out with female Senators "really helped me relocate my balls"
WASHINGTON D.C. -- On Friday, war hero John McCain told Politico that hanging out with his female colleagues in the U.S. Senate "really helped me relocate my balls."
For years, McCain said, he didn't realize that his testicles were withering away, becoming "pathetic, wrinkled, and shrunken, like raisins" - a common medical problem that afflicts men who are exposed to Republican male Senators for any period of time.
"Because I was in the Navy, I always thought of myself as a man's man, the kind of tough guy who belonged with other tough guys. So I spent the last three decades comparing myself to cowards like Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, and Dean Heller. By the time I realized that they were dickless turds, my balls were long gone."
The first sign of hope for McCain's long-lost balls came in the late 1990s, when McCain made his first gay friend, Senator Lindsey Graham, who quickly introduced him to New York Senator, local bad bitch, and future president, Hillary Rodham Clinton - his first female BFF in the Senate.
"I always liked Clinton, because I could tell that she had ovaries of steel. After I lost to Obama, I first realized that my balls were really missing after she told me I needed to grow a pair. But I didn't realize that it was the men of my own party who had castrated me."
After going through a major health scare last week, today, it appears that McCain's balls have made a full recovery thanks to his decision to emulate Maine's Sen. Susan Collins and Alaska's Sen. Lisa Murkowski. "Those brave bitches are who I need to compete with, the standard of courage I need to hold myself to as a politician," McCain said. "Today, my balls are swollen. Hopefully, they'll let me stay in their clique."