Democrats' jobs program helps West Virginia coal miners retrain as avocado toast artisans
CHARLESTON, West Virginia -- In economically depressed West Virginia, the federal government is finally doing something right thanks to "From Picks to Pitts," a millennial job retraining program that's helping former coal miners break master a new trade: avocado toast.
"Before this program, I didn't know what an avocado was. But now, I'm an avocado fanatic," said Richard Bossum, an Appalachia resident and former Trump supporter who'd been out of work since 1984. "Before enrolling I enrolled in From Picks to Pitts, I used to think that Whole Foods was a Democratic conspiracy. Now, I realize, it's the work of a gluten-free Jesus Christ. Avocado toast has changed my whole life. I used to think Mexico was the devil. Now, I love Mexico, because avocado toast!"
Funded by President Hillary Rodham Clinton's $51 billion plan to overhaul infrastructure in coal country, many former coal miners were initially skeptical of the program, but today, no one can argue with the results. Thus far, 100% of the people who have participated in "From Picks to Pitts" have gone on to become master tradesmen in the extremely competitive field of artisanal toast. Several notable graduates have succeeded in opening their own avocado toast-centric businesses, including Mason Dock, owner of the Charleston restaurant, "A Guac to Remember," and Isabel Pirk, whose avocado-toast themed discoteque, "Smack That Hass Up,” is all the rage in Huntington.
Given the runaway success of the avocado toast program, President Clinton is encouraging unemployed West Virginians to enroll in similar initiatives focused on scented soap production, vegan baking, and quinoa-based medicine.