Clinton's bold reparations bill will tax “white people’s racist shit,” including fraternities, John Mayer
WASHINGTON D.C. -- At a White House press conference on Thursday, President Hillary Rodham Clinton called on Congress to institute a sweeping new tax on "White People's Racist Shit" to raise $6.14 trillion that the federal government owes black Americans as reparations for slavery.
"For years on the campaign trail, when reporters asked me whether I supported paying black Americans reparations for slavery, I dodged - because bigoted white women were already terrified of me," she said.
"But who am I kidding? As as an intellectual, civil rights movement die-hard, policy nerd and life-long Atlantic subscriber, of course I think white people should finally fucking compensate black people for everything we stole during slavery, segregation, Jim Crow, redlining, the current racialized system of mass incarceration, Iggy Azalea, and white reggae."
Clinton said plantation porn, Ted Nugent CDs, and college students who say the N-word while singing along to rap music "could generate millions in tax revenues by 2018 alone," and that number balloons to the billions once you account for fraternities that throw blackface parties, John Mayer, and John Mayer's penis.
Clinton quickly listed off other potential sources of income from a tax on White People's Racist Shit, including:
- The NRA
- Vogue's casting director
- Clarence Thomas
- Paula Deen's kitchenware
- Kylie and Kendall Jenner
- Trump's Twitter feed
- Aunt Jemima syrup
- NFL commentators who exclusively talk about black athletes' "physical gifts"
- Republican who say the words "inner city"
- Roger Sterling
- NBA team owners, generally
- Bachelorette producers
- Fans of Mel Gibson
- Anybody who tries to touch a black woman's hair without her express invitation
- PDF downloads of Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate
- Miley Cyrus in 2013
- Miley Cyrus, inevitably, in 2019
"It's time for white America to finally pay our bill," said Clinton. "With this tax in place, I think the federal government can pay that staggering debt very, very quickly."