Voldermort denies Boris's paternity
LONDON— As Boris Johnson continues his relentless, callow, and ego-driven assaults on both British democracy and peace in Europe, on Friday, Voldemort, the Dark Lord, emerged from hiding to fiercely deny mounting speculation that he is Boris Johnson’s biologic father in an explosive interview with the Daily Mail - the only muggle paper to which he subscribes.
Earlier in the week, the UK government basically ceased functioning after Lancet, Britain’s leading medical journal, published DNA test results that conclusively prove Boris Johnson to be a direct descendent of Salazar Slytherin.
Chaos gripped Westminster. All week, terrified civil servants could be seen fleeing their offices in Portcullis House and the Ministry of Magic and throwing themselves into the Thames, overcome with fear that the country was entirely at the mercy of Lord Voldemort’s bastard son.
Apparently, rumours that Voldemort sired Boris Johnson also horrified Lord Voldemort. Under the Daily Mail’s headline, “He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named names Names!,” Voldemort angrily claims, “I am not Boris’s father,” Voldemort says, before positing that Boris is in fact the thoroughly unmagical child of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy.
“The parallels people are drawing between me and Boris Johnson are preposterous and infuriating,” said Voldermort. “Is he evil? Yes! Is he willing to destroy the world for the sake of amassing power? Clearly. But is he my spawn? No! How could he be? He has no talent!” said Voldermort.
Voldemort clarified that he, like Johnson, is pro-Brexit, believing that Britain’s imminent departure from the European Union is “certain to shatter the fragile structures on which prosperity, democracy and peace in Europe have thrived in the post-War world.”
“Oh! I have no problem with the man’s politics! In fact, I admire Boris’s unabashed racism and porcine disdain for the intelligence of Britain’s working class,” Voldemort said. “But the fact remains: I’m the heir of Slytherin, and he’s worse than scum. And all the bloggers claiming that I had an illicit heterosexual affair with Bellatrix Lestrange 60 years ago and Boris Johnson is our lovechild are muggle filth, plain and simple.”
Explosively, Voldemort claims that Boris Johnson is a “genetic aberration” descended from two pure-blood wizards who once served in his inner-circle: Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy.
To support his theory of Johnson’s parentage, Voldemort points out that Boris Johnson bears “an overwhelming physical resemblance to Draco Malfoy” - Boris’s putative blood-brother - noting they share “the same limp ashy hair, sunken eyes, and privileged aura of desiccated masculinity.”
“Also, they’re both entitled, incompetent, and deeply uncourageous,” Voldemort added.
According to Voldemort, contrary to Wikipedia, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in Malfoy Manor in 1964 to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, his biological parents, who were initially thrilled by his arrival, supposing they’d finally produced a male heir after years in which they’d struggled with fertility. But, Voldemort said, the couple’s elation quickly curdled into dread on realizing their newborn son was “a total squib” - the wizarding world’s term for a person born to magical family but lacks magical abilities - “and consequently a source of eternal humiliation,” according to Voldemort.
Thus, Boric Malfoy was sent off to live with distant muggle relations, who raised him Boris Johnson.
Johnson never gained entrance to Hogwarts.
Voldemort described Eton College, the all-boys school at which Boris Johnson was educated, as “a terrific starting-point for deeply non-magical people.”