Putin names Jeff Sessions his top pick for Justice Department

MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin announced Friday morning that former U.S. Senator Jeff Sessions had been his top pick for U.S. Attorney General "all along," and that if U.S. President Hillary Rodham Clinton refused to hire him, he would.

Since Clinton took office, she has proved unmoved by Russia's many ideas about who she stood install at the upper levels of American government.

Putin said Sessions, who backed Russia's failed presidential candidate Donald J. Trump during the 2016 election, was coming on board as the Kremlin’s new Minister of Justice, a dramatic hiring decision he made on advice from Russia's U.S. Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

At 66 years old, Kislyak is the oldest Russian diplomat in the world, according to the Guinness Book of World Records - which significant because reaching advanced age is a "coveted status symbol among Russian diplomats," writes the Atlantic's Julia Ioffe.

"Kislyak tells me Sessions has been a terrific friend to Russia over the years, especially during the campaign, and the Kremlin knows how to reward its friends," said Putin in a press release broadcast by Julian Assange of Wikileaks.

Russia’s equivalent to the United States’ Attorney General, the Minister of Justice is responsible for jailing gays, women, and minorities whenever they step out of line. The department also specializes in imprisoning or murdering any individuals who pose a threat to Putin’s manhood.

On Russia-TV, Putin hailed Sessions as “a man of extreme prejudice.”

Sessions allegedly caught Putin’s eye when he earned a rating of 0 from the Human Rights Campaign. After obstructing former President Barack Obama’s administration for eight years, Sessions received a phone call from Putin during the 2016 election, in which Putin assured Sessions he was attempting to undermine American democracy and steal the election from Hillary Clinton via spies, espionage, cyberwarfare, conspiracy, and quid quo pro bribery.

If it didn't work out, Sessions' legal career needn't be ruined by charges of perjury or treason, Putin said, offering him the position of Minister of Justice.

Sessions plans to begin work as Minister of Justice in April, giving him ample opportunity to leave two weeks notice for his constituents at home.