GOP officially switches sides in Cold War

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After 70 years of siding with the United States, on Friday, the Republican Party declared its formal allegiance to Russia.

“After much introspection, the GOP has decided it has much more in common with our Russian comrades rather than our American compatriots,” said Alabama senator Jeff Sessions. “Namely, oligarchy.”

Sessions expanded, saying that, “Like the authoritarian regime of Vladimir Putin, Republicans today would also like to create a culture where the press is silenced, gay folks are as rare as wives complaining about domestic violence, and Hillary Clinton is squashed through election crime."

Yale historian David Blight said Republicans have a history of switching allegiances, pointing to the Civil War.

But others say Republicans’ pro-USSR sympathies are rooted in '90s pop culture.

“Deep down inside, I guess I always identified with the Russian antagonists,” said Utah congressman Jason Chaffetz. “In the film Top Gun, I remember openly rooting against Maverick. In Rocky IV, I cried when Ivan Drago lost to Rocky. Even the movie Wargames had me super excited to see what kind of damage a Russian nuclear strike would have on the United States.”

Unfortunately, not all Republicans seemed onboard with the party’s decision.

“They decided to do what?” asked an incredulous John McCain. “To side with Russia? THE Russia? The same country that put nuclear weapons 90 miles off our coastline? The same country that invaded Afghanistan, causing the rise of what would eventually become Al Qaeda? The same country that engaged in cyber warfare which undermined American sovereignty during the 2016 election? We’re supporting them now?”

Fortunately for McCain, his rhetorical question was answered when his friend and colleague Lindsay Graham dropped by, nodded, and handed McCain a Russian ushanka hat to wear for their upcoming night on the town, once they’d finished their pro-Confederacy rally.